Carrie's Journal

Blame it on my A.D.D. baby.

About me ::
can i help you
playmoby
I am putting this up front for anyone who is new/just visiting/old to my journal.

So here goes ::

My name is Carrie. I was born in the wee hours of September 5, 1980 in Tacoma, Washington.

My mom was alone when she gave birth to me.. My dad was out “hunting”. I think that was quite possibly the last time he ever went hunting.

I grew up in Bonney Lake, WA with my mom, dad, and two brothers, Curtis and Travis. They continue to torment me to this day.

I grew up in a mobile home. Does this make me trash? I don’t think so. I see it as it gave me perspective on life. Hopefully, I will not live in a trailer again…. 20 years was enough.

how far does the rabbit hole go? Collapse )

I think I have said enough. As always, ask me anything.. if ya want.

(no subject)
breaking inside
playmoby
A text i just sent to steven :

He was in a fit of rage, throwing pillows and he screamed that he hated the fucking fog, hated my entire fucking family and hated me. He then said I am a fucking terrible mother and after that he cracked. He said he couldn't believe he just said that and that he deserved to die and finallybwent to his room


So yeah. Todays been fun. *cry*

Things keep chugging along.
fuck off
playmoby
THings are rough. making me want to quit and give up on everything.

But alas, I press on.

The last few days have been ASD hell. Jackson bit a teacher at school on MOnday. Got sent home. Was threatening to kill himself. Trip to Children's psych ward. Visit by the Crisis help people, who told us basically to keep doing what we're doing because it looks like (on paper) that we are going through all the right steps and seeing all the right people, and let me tell you how fucking helpful that was.

Some stuff is going on with jackson and it really really affecting him in a bad way.


My brother Curtis, the one who I rescued the animals from and for after he left before my moms funeral by saying "im out", wants the animals back. I basically have told him to fuck off. He told me I should be ashamed of myself.

My brother travis is quote: The new sherif(sp) in town". Gawd.

I am so stressed and so depressed and I just want to crawl in a hole forever, but I cant because too many people depend on me for everything.

The only upside of all this is that on Sunday we traded in our G6 for a brand spankin new 2015 Ford Escape with Ecoboost. It currently has 171 miles on it. aw yeah.

/exhausted

(no subject)
fuck off
playmoby
The other day was autism awareness day. Like I needed another day to be "aware" of it. I live it every. Fucking. day.

Today is Siblings day. Oh okay... hello wound, let me rub some salt deep. deep inside you. Until you can feel the granules.

Yesterday we had a mid-year iep meeting about jackson. apparently he is causing great upset and distraction in his language arts/history block class. So much so that the teacher has parents emailing her and kindly asking her to "seat their student furthest away from him" as possible.

and then today was just a shit storm at his school.

And next week is fucking spring fucking break.

And I just want to disappear in a big fucking hole and never return.

(no subject)
breaking inside
playmoby
I will always miss my brothers.....

here I am.
breaking inside
playmoby
Not really feeling the whole writing thing....

Here's the lowdown:

-My mom died on Feb 28th
-Mom's memorial service was on March 14th (the day after her birthday)
-I made a very sweet tribute to her... you can see it here:

http://play.smilebox.com/SpreadMoreHappy/4e4449794e6a4d794d6a553d0d0a

-My brother's have been douchebags.
-One brother had control of mom's debit cards and took nearly $3000 out of her accounts, after lying to us about "not knowing where they were"
-Same brother disappeared the day before my moms funeral and said "Im out" and left.
-Showed up a few days later at a christian rehab.
-Which I then drove over to to rescue a cat and my moms dog who he had taken with him.
-So for now I have a dog and an extra cat.

Blah. Its just been a nightmare.

A dream
beautiful trent
playmoby
My mom told me that before she started going to her church that she had a dream. In her dream she was at a woman's house, sitting on the backporch, watching the sunset with her. My mom didn't know who the woman was, but she KNEW her.

A while later, my mom started going to Bonney Lake Community Church. And she came face to face with the woman in the dream. Her name was Char and she and my mom became wonderful friends.

Char was there with me when my mom passed on.

Later that evening, Char told me that when my mom told her about the dream, Char knew immediately that the sunset in the dream was death, and she knew that my mom and her would be together when one of them died.

I will never forget that.
It's so beautiful.
Tags:

(no subject)
trent piano
playmoby
My fucking brother. He is fucking 44 this year and you would tjink he would grow the fuck up. Ugh.

(no subject)
can i help you
playmoby
32 hours and counting.... So tired.

(no subject)
Hurt
playmoby
tonight, as I was leaving my therapist's office, I missed the last two steps coming down stairs and fell, hard onto my knee to the landing and thus running the top left part of my head directly into the solid wood door. Thinking about it now, I am very lucky I didn't hit the glass part, that could have been ugly.

Both my therapist and another woman came rushing down the stairs to find me on my butt on the landing, clutching my head. Not only did my head feel smashed, my knee did too. I had landed with all my weight onto my right knee and now it is blown up like a balloon. ugh.

I held it together mostly until I was outside, then I just lost it, right there on the sidewalk. I was so embarrassed, I was felt so ashamed. While I have embraced the fact that I have a traumatic brain injury, I still have issues with it. Its always the last step, or the last two steps that my brain just cant process. I can not even begin to count how many times I have missed and fell from one or two steps. IT is a combination of depth perception and balance. I dont even try to catch myself anymore, because most times, I end up hurting myself more when I do. So I just try to tuck and roll... if that makes sense.

So here I sit, at midnight, afraid to go to sleep. While my head doesnt hurt nearly as much as it did earlier, It still hurts a decent amount.... and its a totally differnet hurt than a headache or a migraine (yes, those feel two totoally different ways).

I am tired, but again... I am afraid to sleep. So i dont know what I am going to do.

I have never really hit my head this hard from falling before. Its scary to me.

(no subject)
Cry.
playmoby
Merry fucking Christmas. My mom is in the hospital, jackson is shitting himsrlf on purpose and is now threstening suicide.

Lovely.

Today.
shoulder to cry on
playmoby
My brother Travis has called me twice. That is more than he has called me in the last 5 years combined.

MY brother Curtis has taken to calling me a half breed and that I only exist because of a random fun friday fuck.

My mom has called me self fish and accused me of abandoning her. I am expected to spend every waking moment taking care of her and her needs because she gave up so much for us when we were kids and we owe it to her.



Today has been real shitty. Real shitty. I am starting to believe all of it.

Hello there.
can i help you
playmoby
Hi! I have been sick since thursday night with this stinkin cold. It is so bad! I called in sick to work on Saturday (which I never do!) and I didnt leave the house all weekend. I finally left this morning and just running Jackson over to school exhausted me. I came home, took medicine and slept until 130 then ran back over to get jackson at 2:20. I am finally feeling a little bit better but still yuck. I even missed tailagating with all my favorite people on Sunday!

Now I am running the dish washer and doing a few little things around here. I was supposed to go to therapy tonight but since I wasnt feeling well earlier I canceled it for tonight and rescheduled it to tomorrow night.


For Turkey Day we are going to our friends house, and I am making bringing pie. It should be good time. I am making turkey dinner on Saturday. I am so excited fo that. Hopefully I feel better by then. I should....


anywho random fly by posting.

(no subject)
Hurt
playmoby
I think Jackson might be bipolar. One day he is all happy go lucky and the next day he is all I mean nothing, i just dont want to live anymore. I know its usual teenage shit, but this is more than that.


So there's that.

Another thing is I have been applying to jobs left and right, and getting interviews left and right but no job yet. So we shall see there.

All I know is now I have to go to an interview, and I just nearly had to take my son to Children's psych ward because he was/is suicidal.

Its just really, really fucking hard.

(no subject)
can i help you
playmoby
Life keeps trugging along. I didnt get the job that I was hoping to get at Stevens work. Today we have Jackson's IEP meeting. and I am cleaning and trying to curb the fleas in our house.... thanks cat.

How are you all doing?

(no subject)
Me smiling
playmoby
I have a job interview today. Its a second interview. It would pay way more than I ever expected to be paid to do office work. Oh, and did I mention it is the same company that Steven works for? Awesome company.

*Fingers Crossed*

today has been shit.
Hurt
playmoby
Mom was taken to hospital from side of freeway. Have to pay $500 to fix brakes. Tripped on sidewalk and fell and skinned mY hand very bbadly. Plus leftover emotions from last night. Ugh. ***cry***

(no subject)
fuck off
playmoby
Still no resolution for Jacksons upcoming school year. Finally went all the way up the special ed food chain only to find out that the Interim Director of Special Education is none other than a Mr. Wyeth Jessee. Some of my long time readers will know exactly who this is but to refresh your minds and new I direct you to this entry: http://playmoby.livejournal.com/1155179.html

Yep. Same guy.


/heart is breaking again.

Update
Cry.
playmoby
No stroke or mini stroke.

Just diagnosed with Arterial Hypertension that caused a major migraine (his first!).

He is now home resting.

(no subject)
can i help you
playmoby
Steven is in the ER. They are testing for mini stroke or another kind of blockage. I am so fucking scared.

(no subject)
can i help you
playmoby
My mom is coming to stay with us for a few days to help my brother have a break.


Things were really bad today. Like really really bad. and I almost took her today but she has a dr's appt tomorrow so I will pick her up after that.

I hope to God this helps.

(no subject)
breaking inside
playmoby
I can't deal with this anymore. Him, Jackson, the deaths of my mind m and dad. My brothers. I just can't deal with it anymore and then don't know what to do. I want to disappear.

(no subject)
can i help you
playmoby
rain. glorious rain. i miss thee. 

(no subject)
can i help you
playmoby
Hello.

how are you all? Weve been ok.

sorry I have been so quiet. My keyboard is a bitch to type on... as it jumps around a lot for whatever reasson.


I do miss you all. 

(no subject)
breaking inside
playmoby
I am jusr exhausted. Just fucking exhausted.

It's midnight
breaking inside
playmoby
and i sit here, awake. I have been trying to keep this in and to myself for too long now.

I am severely depressed.
You would think that with a new house and everyl.thing, things would be going peachy.

I am very stressed. between the new house, and school, and work and jackson's school... its just so much. I cant function with it all

I was going to take a summer class. That has been shelved because I need a break! As it is right now, I get up at 6am, drive jack across town to school, then back shome. Then to my school, and back home. Then to Jacks school to pi ck him up... and home. and then if it,is a work night, to work which is across the street from jacks school and back home.


Its just a lot, man.

and yes, I am on antidepressants. Its mostly for my anxiety issues, but it helps with my depression too.

le sigh. I will get over this hump too. Until then, Insomnia it is.


update on things
can i help you
playmoby
So I went in for my mammogram and ultrasound.

I do not have anything that resembles breast cancer.

YAY!

So that is clear.

The gall bladder issue? still not a problem but apparently my liver is enlarged and they suspect fatty liver disease. Which is totally controllable. I just lose some weight and eat healthier. I think this health scare has defintely made me see the  light.



Here is to happiness and healthiness! 

(no subject)
beautiful trent
playmoby
s on friday because I had some horrible pain in my back and in the past, this has always been a bladder infection. so I go in, give a urine sample and..... wait. and wait. and wait. Finally the NP comes in and tells me that the sample came back negative, but asked me more about my symptoms. Turns out, they suspect my gallbladder is acting up. So I have an ultrasound for that today.

When she asked me if there was anything else I wanted to talk about, I mentioned that I had recently d iscovered a bump on my left breast. I have breakouts on my breasts occasionally (thanks, sweat!) and I had originally thought it might be part of one of those. But then it didnt go away. So she did a breast exam on me, and not only found

the one I was talking about, but also discovered two other ones.


Commence manjor freak out!

My grandmother had breast cancer.

I have a mammogram scheduled for tomorrow. so I will know more then. but I cried all friday night. It was baaad.

I am super scared about it all. But there is nothing I can do right now but hurry up and wait.


If it comes back to having to have surgery and something removed, I am totally having a boobie party. Where we will have boobie cupcakes and boobie cookies, and where the guests are encouraged to wear their most cleavage showing top.


and until after tomorrow, I pray. 

(no subject)
can i help you
playmoby
I really wish my mom wouldn't tell me about what my dumbass brother says when he actually calls her. It makes me so angry. 

(no subject)
queen of hearts
playmoby
i had a crazy ass dream last night.

I dreamed that I was running down our old street carrying a knife and fork and a dog was chasing me. oh did I mention that I had no pants on? so i threw the fork in the bushes because I thought people would see me as weird if i was running with it. (as if the knife and pantlessness wasnt a tip off) and then I was laying on the ground crying cause I was pant less and up rides Queen Latifah on a MOPED and gives me her windbreaker for me to wrap around my waist.

and then I woke up. 

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